My process journal.
I’ve not been in one to one therapy for over a year since the last one accused me of being resistant. It was session four and I was getting a sense that she was getting frustrated at me not knowing what was happening in my body.
She later admitted to having a “get on with it” process and felt unskilled at working with neurodivergence.
I, on reflection, persuaded her to stick with it because while she thinks I’m teaching her about autism I said I needed to teach her about me anyway, that was part of the getting to know you phase, so it wasn’t that I was doing unnecessary emotional labour, it was just part of the process.
Once I left the session I went for a walk to allow my body to do what it needed instinctively, creating space for my subconscious to begin processing what had happened because I felt jittery and agitated.
As I climbed muddy lumps and avoided puddles I started to feel sad, then irritated, and finally defeated. She was not the therapist for me. How could I trust her when she’d just admitted she felt ill-equipped to best hold me? And didn’t hold any space for my slow process — something I struggle with as it is.
I could see so clearly how I’d felt this possible ending coming from her and I couldn’t bear someone rejecting me so I…
