Getting started in kink. Again

7 min readNov 9, 2023

After jumping in, swimming around and leaving again, I’m taking tentative, mindful steps this time.

I’ve been going to kink and fetish club nights for a couple of years. I’ve done a bit of all that’s on offer while I’ve been there. I’m at the point where it’s familiar and actually, this particular club, is a bit predictable and I daresay boring. I finally admitted the music just isn’t for me and that really puts me off, but I also know the layout, the vibe, what I could get up to (as a single person) and how it impacts me in the present and historically.

I wrote not long ago about the softer side of BDSM being re-traumatising for me. This is the side that I need to tread carefully. I’m learning there’s so much I don’t know in me and around me; while I do want to know it I need to take my time and build knowledge rather than storm right in and do all the things.

Tonight is a step into that.

Kinky meetups

There’s a particular kind of get together called a Munch. I don’t know where that name comes from, perhaps I’ll learn tonight. I do know it’s a relaxed, social affair in a vanilla setting that’s about building social connections with some intention, I suppose, to lead towards a kinky experience beyond having conversations about kink. I know that’s what I’m there for.

I recently moved to a new city so this is my first real foray into trying to make new friends. I want to craft a social circle that fits me. Being autistic I enjoy directness, clarity, and extraversion from the people I spend time with. I like to have fun and feel comfortable that whatever I say (within reason), how I say it, and whatever I’m into will be met with openness and acceptance rather than judgment and confusion — kinky spaces are this.

I want to record here these first steps as a type of journal for me, a source of information or recognition for others.

Working backwards?

I reflected before that going to kink clubs and partaking in the dungeon and having public sex is probably the thing people usually work up to and that I’ve gone the other way around. I also wonder if most people find their way here by having a pleasantly shocking experience and seeking more, more, more…




Adventurer, word-lover, nature-enthusiast, psychotherapist, creative.