Member-only story
Especially when they get in the way of potential plans with me.
Someone who is a part of a group that gets together every six weeks announced they will not be able to attend next time because they are doing airport taxi/duty (taking someone to the airport approx three hours away) for a family member.
I noticed my immediate reaction and was a bit shocked, almost appalled, then, not surprised.
I spent a life being told/shown no one will do those things for me, so I have presumably developed a bitterness based in jealousy and envy, that makes me scoff and kind of roll my eyes when someone says they can’t do ‘x’ because they’re doing ‘y’ with/for so-and-so.
Sounds a pretty distasteful personality trait huh?
What I’m learning is these parts of me didn’t come from a desire to be distasteful. Flynn Skidmore will talk about how every action or behaviour is born out of a desire for love, warmth and belonging. The physical response when I hear someone is going to inconvenience themselves to collect a friend or family member from the airport that’s three or four hours away is akin to disgust — curled lip, nausea — but at them? or me? or something else?
How is scoffing a bid for love, warmth or belonging?
Because in the rejection of the idea of putting yourself out to help a friend, you prevent ever having that hope or expectation yourself, so it can’t be denied — you don’t feel rejected, you therefore feel ‘love’.
I’m sad to say it would not come naturally to me to offer this, nor would I easily agree if asked. But I think this is because I was never shown it/taught it or had it modelled to me. I believe what would be happening in that scenario is my inherited behaviour; now I know I would like to do/be different and I have received these acts of kindness myself since growing up which seems to have allowed me access to an instinct to want to do/be different.
Given the time to notice what happens in me when I see/hear something, I can check if it’s what I actually want my response to be and if not, adjust accordingly. I’m quite confident I am the sort of person who would willingly offer a loved one airport transfers.
What are some learned responses you have that are on the edge of your awareness but perhaps are not what you imagined for yourself? What do you do when you notice your reaction is different to desired/expected?
