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To get to say “I love you too”
One of my oldest, clearest memories is laying in bed at night, my mum or dad on their way out of my room having said “goodnight”. The memory is clear enough that I know I was in the second house I lived in so I was over five, but other than that I have no idea what age I could be. It was an age where I’d started to pick up ‘norms’ from my peers and the world around me. One of those norms, was that people say “I love you” to each other and that the other person has the opportunity to say “I love you too”.
I don’t know how I learned about this, nor really what sort of concept I had about ‘love’ and the declarations of, but I had obviously cottoned on that it was important and it made me feel nice.
Present day
I’ve been going through some tough stuff recently when it comes to ‘The Work’ and inner child healing.
My particular inner child did not feel loved, worthy or important. I don’t have many memories to piece together to explain this, I just know this is how I understand my past and I have been working really hard in recent years to soothe my pain, grow my social network and learn how to give and receive love.
One memory that did surface however, was me lying in bed watching the highlighted shape of my parent making their way to the door, willing them to say “I love you” so that I could say “I love you too”. I had already learned that if I say “I love you” they get to say “I love you too” and that that feels nice, but how much nicer if I didn’t have to say it first? That they would spontaneously declare their love for me. And the proof that they loved me was in the opportunity to say “I love you too”.
The memory of The longing to say it feels strong enough that I must have willed it for days, or weeks. I remember deciding one night to say “I love you” so they can reply “I love you too” and be reminded that this is a thing they can say of an evening and maybe they’ll want to do it tomorrow night so that I get to say “…too”.
Waiting and waiting
But there would be days and days where they didn’t say it. So I would prompt again.
I think I only got to say “I love you too” once or twice.
I gave up prompting in the end. I gave up a lot of things in the end. That’s why I’m working with my inner child so much these days.
I don’t want to give up anymore. I don’t want to be prompting people.
I’m happy to say over the last ten or so years I learned relationship skills and built my social connections well enough that I get to say “I love you too” far more frequently. No prompt required.
