Member-only story
Session 9 — the one where I tell lots of stories
I arrived knowing there’s been a lot of stuff around this week and didn’t know what would be best to choose to focus on today so I wanted to tune into my intuition and see what comes, but not much came except a feeling in my throat.
So they asked me about the ‘not communicating’ in my family and what that experience was like.
Coincidentally this week was my dad’s birthday and I’d had a frustrating time trying to get clear information about celebration plans.
Boring myself with familiar stories
We (my therapist and I) probably spoke for 25–30 minutes about that. I was kind of bored of it. Aware there’s no feeling. Aware it’s a repeated story about how we don’t have regular, conversational contact. Aware that when comparing all my relationships I can see the stark differences and don’t really know how to reconcile me amongst them all, nor how to effect change, in fact, I’ve given up trying find a way to change things and instead am working to find a way of being more comfortable with the way things are than try and make them something they’re not. Bored of that.
Then they said you finished last week saying you’d had sex for the first time in I can’t remember how long..?
“Two years”
Is that still around? Yes, that’s so around.
I’m an over-thinking sexual being!
It’s such a fucking jumble. I spoke about him, the thoughts I’d been in this week since he stayed over. I described our journey from when we met years ago to where we’ve got to now, my frustration about the vigilence of how long it will be until I see him (I’m a fucker for a countdown!), talking about the longing for him, and about how yesterday I had such a craving for a cuddle, I just needed someone to hold me hard — the world is hard to be in right now and yesterday I just really wanted somebody to be there — but not him.
He wouldn’t be an appropriate person for that because what I needed was caring and containing and I don’t know him well enough to allow that level of feeling or take that risk yet.
