Member-only story
The push-pull of wanting contact and pushing it away; building self-relationship as a foundation for healthy relating.
There’s a split in me. I don’t think it’s as simple as mind and body but that’s certainly a part of it.
I’m inviting my therapist in — I want them to be there with me yet also pushing them away, which they noticed and named today.
As part of a discussion about things I’d been thinking about I said there were risky behaviours as a child, they asked what behaviours? I just said just “risky behaviour”. It took courage to say this, I’ve never spoken about this to another person, but even without the details it felt almost too much.
They named things I know, “well, risky behaviour, if we look at that, that’s looking for attention” and I think I need someone to do that, to show they can ‘see’ the process that’s underneath my words, thoughts and actions both past and present.
“yeah, but I was very careful that I wouldn’t get the attention, that I wouldn’t get caught” they said “well, that’s the push/pull part”.
Saying I had risky behaviour and then not elaborating feels a very clear example of the push-pull process.
Anxiety as breathlessness
After describing my breathing problems a few weeks ago my therapist recommended having a conversation with the breathlessness in my journal.
Today I read out two conversations with my breathlessness.
It says I’m going too fast, there are too many things happening, there’s not enough time to transition.
I didn’t feel much whilst reading but it was nice to talk about it. When my therapist was saying about push/pull they commented that I’d been speaking for 3/4 of the session and they’d not said anything yet. It wasn’t a conscious thing, though also not the first time. There’s something about a barrage of words to keep them away. It’s a well known (unconscious) technique of people that don’t want to, or are fearful of connection. Which I am and I’m not.
