I’ve learned a few things since that first time. Well, a lot of things. It spun me out many times and there have been circles, spirals, tears and confusion. But I like arbitrary time containers so now is for reflecting.

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It was forbidden because of who it was and the environment we were in, no other people were, or could have been, hurt in the process. Interesting that I felt I needed to qualify that; I expect in the right circumstances I wouldn’t give much of a thought to their spouse or partner if someone was coming on to me…

My routine was disrupted, I didn’t react terribly but it was unpleasant nonetheless. And my anxiety has been up all day.

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Analysing social conventions

This is a newly familiar part of life since I self-diagnosed as autistic, did a lot of internal work on myself and learned what boundaries are, why we have them, and try to practice asserting them whenever necessary.

Setting the scene

I live in a house of 6.

In our group chat at midnight a housemate let us know (although we already knew because we all went to bed at a similar time) that their friend would be staying in the living…

But I think this is a good thing, I’m not cynical.

I had a wonderful interaction with a squirrel yesterday.

It was in a local park as I took a break between clients. There are many squirrels in this park, in the city actually, but few that are comfortable with humans.

I sat on a bench and the squirrel appeared, sort of curious about me, sort of skirting around where I was sitting. In my snack bag this particular day happened to be almonds and hazelnuts.

I selected a hazelnut and held it over the back of the bench (where…

I thought I’d accepted it, I thought I was okay with it, I absolutely am not.

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About two weeks ago I contracted impetigo on my face. It’s a highly-contagious skin infection that produces blisters and sores developing into unsightly ‘cornflake’ crispiness. I think it developed because the weather is warming up, I am a hot person that sweats a lot and facemasks are a perfect environment for breeding bacteria.

I wanted to treat it myself, researching herbs and spices that have natural antimicrobial/biotic properties. I am concerned about the declining efficacy of modern antibiotics and had vowed not to take…

A mantra for people who want the best for others.

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I care. A lot. It’s exhausting.

Most recently I really cared about a person who is really going through it. Has gone through it. And will continue for a bit longer.

I say care(d) like I don’t anymore. But I do it in a different way now.

This person is in their depths and there is no space for anyone else. Many people have tried. With some success. …

It’s a sign of wholeness.

I didn’t always know much about humans at all. I spent until the end of my twenties pretty much dissociated from feeling and out of awareness of much of what was going on around me. I have memories, sure, I learned lots of things, and I definitely had some feelings, but it’s all a bit haphazard and incoherent; it’s only in my thirties that I’ve started to piece together the parts of me and in turn see the parts of others.

Autism and emotional trauma

Last summer, with the space afforded by less ‘life’ during the pandemic, I spent…

This is not a self-defence guide

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In recent weeks the UK’s media has been awash with stories of how women feel about men and the inherent threat faced when in public spaces, increasingly online (I’m looking at you #notallmen) and now these stories are being shared amongst friendship groups. At least in mine.

The media coverage of Sarah Everard’s death and resulting headlines rattled me more than any similar story in recent years. I suspect partly due to the reduced distractions due to lockdown, but also because I have worked hard on reconnecting to my body and learning about and…

Very different circumstances can bring the same feeling.

  1. In bed

Specifically in any season other than summer, and I probably would in summer if I wasn’t so averse to being uncomfortable.

A warm, brushed cotton, heavy duvet cover. There’s a particular one I have in mind, a relatively inexpensive one surprisingly — I have invested in high-threadcount, better quality covers — that makes me feel content like no other duvet cover has.

2. Surrounded by trees

I was going to say up a tree, but it doesn’t need to be as energetic as that. As long as I am somewhere…

It kinda feels a bit sordid, like you’re paying for someone to care about you.

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A reason to not enter into counselling that I hear semi-regularly is that people don’t think they should pay for a relationship — it’s not real and/or why should you pay for it; or the person doesn’t really care.

Two things there:

The genuineness of the relationship

Why should you pay for someone to care for you

Is it a genuine relationship?

I can only speak for how I feel. As I have worked on my defences and my ability to love, increasing awareness of humanity and foibles, I can…

I am learning life is paradoxical and full of contradiction; contentedness or neutrality is found somewhere between accepting this and holding oppositions.

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I am enough

I know this logically. All the self-help Insta pages tell me so, the positive psychology, self-love advocates and higher vibration peeps plaster it across all the platforms I engage with.

I know that seeing it written everywhere, and knowing it as a concept is not necessarily believing it, but through many years of inner work, processing in therapy and alone, lots of doubt and tears, most of the time I really know it and believe it.

I will never be enough

Having spent…


Adventurer, word-lover, nature-enthusiast, psychotherapist, creative.

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