It’s a sign of wholeness.

I didn’t always know much about humans at all. I spent until the end of my twenties pretty much dissociated from feeling and out of awareness of much of what was going on around me. I have memories, sure, I learned lots of things, and I definitely had some feelings, but it’s all a bit haphazard and incoherent; it’s only in my thirties that I’ve started to piece together the parts of me and in turn see the parts of others.

Autism and emotional trauma

Last summer, with the space afforded by less ‘life’ during the pandemic, I spent…

This is not a self-defence guide

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In recent weeks the UK’s media has been awash with stories of how women feel about men and the inherent threat faced when in public spaces, increasingly online (I’m looking at you #notallmen) and now these stories are being shared amongst friendship groups. At least in mine.

The media coverage of Sarah Everard’s death and resulting headlines rattled me more than any similar story in recent years. I suspect partly due to the reduced distractions due to lockdown, but also because I have worked hard on reconnecting to my body and learning about and…

Very different circumstances can bring the same feeling.

  1. In bed

Specifically in any season other than summer, and I probably would in summer if I wasn’t so averse to being uncomfortable.

A warm, brushed cotton, heavy duvet cover. There’s a particular one I have in mind, a relatively inexpensive one surprisingly — I have invested in high-threadcount, better quality covers — that makes me feel content like no other duvet cover has.

2. Surrounded by trees

I was going to say up a tree, but it doesn’t need to be as energetic as that. As long as I am somewhere…

It kinda feels a bit sordid, like you’re paying for someone to care about you.

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A reason to not enter into counselling that I hear semi-regularly is that people don’t think they should pay for a relationship — it’s not real and/or why should you pay for it; or the person doesn’t really care.

Two things there:

The genuineness of the relationship

Why should you pay for someone to care for you

Is it a genuine relationship?

I can only speak for how I feel. As I have worked on my defences and my ability to love, increasing awareness of humanity and foibles, I can…

I am learning life is paradoxical and full of contradiction; contentedness or neutrality is found somewhere between accepting this and holding oppositions.

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I am enough

I know this logically. All the self-help Insta pages tell me so, the positive psychology, self-love advocates and higher vibration peeps plaster it across all the platforms I engage with.

I know that seeing it written everywhere, and knowing it as a concept is not necessarily believing it, but through many years of inner work, processing in therapy and alone, lots of doubt and tears, most of the time I really know it and believe it.

I will never be enough

Having spent…

The last few weeks I have felt in a spin, ungrounded and discombobulated. Pandemic fatigue has got me.

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I subscribe to a viewpoint akin to “treat every day as if it’s my last” and try to have an attitude of gratitude making the most of whatever happens and seeking the best. I’ve basically internalised all the self-help advice out there and seek magic every day.

I am also a psychotherapist that knows with the magic, comes shadow — a handy, all-encompassing term from Jung that covers our reactions to unpleasantness, stress, events beyond our control etc.

The current pandemic and…

Being long-term single and in lockdown I have conflicting feelings

I love that I am a fully-functioning healthy woman. I love sex. I think. It may be that I have been without a regular sex partner for so many years that it’s the absence that creates the craving rather than I actually love it though I’m pretty sure when I did have a regular sex partner, I loved it. And since then I have developed and grown so much in my emotional, physical and sexual self that I will probably love it more than I ever did.

I’ve learned how…

We’re in a global pandemic…

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  1. We’re in a global pandemic
  2. We’re in a global pandemic and we’ve not experienced it before.
  3. We’re in a global pandemic and we’ve not experienced it before and it’s lasting a looooong time.
  4. We’re in a global pandemic and we’ve not experienced it before and it’s lasting a looooong time and we are separated from so much of what we’ve known before.
  5. We’re in a global pandemic and we’ve not experienced it before and it’s lasting a loooong time and we are separated from so much of what we’ve known before and there is no…

You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

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I tried going vegetarian for January. I learned removing a part of my diet taps into my old disordered eating patterns as well as feeling deprived of something important so I make up for it with overeating whatever I want.

Half of the people I live with tried Veganuary. They all are continuing as their preferred way of life.

We all respect the others’ decisions and while there is a lot of talk about animal rights and sustainability around as they learn more about their new lifestyles, I don’t feel any…

If you’re in a bad mood it’s time to get messy.

I went to bed at 1am today. Three of my housemates stayed up drinking and playing games in the living room which is the room next to mine.

I ensured I closed the door properly, dropped off to sleep relatively easily and wasn’t too dismayed when I was woken at 4.30am by louder voices. I got up, turned the heating off and closed the living room door again.

I was a bit more annoyed at being woken at 5.30am. When I heard “Alexa, play the Jurassic Park theme tune”…


Adventurer, word-lover, nature-enthusiast, psychotherapist, creative.

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